Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
You Might Also Like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
What the hell is going on?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE