You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Word!
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Guantanamo Bae
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
How did we not see this back then?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me