Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Well, this certainly took a turn
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.