*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
BRO LMFAO
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
🤣
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.