CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
They got Raph!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.