When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.