[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
You Might Also Like
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
When news reporters do sports stories
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*exercises sarcastically*