5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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What’s this sorcery? 😂
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
PARKOUR
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land