2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.