Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.