*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.