My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
#SuperBowl
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.