New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.