John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?