Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It was worth a shot 😂
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I need better friends
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*