I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
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Eat…
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!