When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..