Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.