BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow