*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER