A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Come back with a warrant
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.