Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…