Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Inside you there are two wolves
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks