I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My Guy
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.