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*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit