Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
no their not
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.