Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*