just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Self-cleaning conscience
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.