In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My plans: 2020:
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
dream blunt rotation
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not