“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Bootstraps
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.