In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Investing in beetcoin
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.