[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock