After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.