So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.