By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.