DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.