Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
LOOOOOOL
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on