It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses