Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
o shit
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts