Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.