The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
That took me a moment.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking