I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
You Might Also Like
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Don’t touch that.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
They must have gotten it to go.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.