Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
me opening up to someone
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza