Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Beware…..
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?