When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago