ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Mmmm canned fish.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.