Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.