My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
my lower back watching me try to live my life
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you