Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”