I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.